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10 Things I Learned Deciding to Leave a Narcissist
When my 16-year-old daughter was hospitalized for attempted suicide late last year I had to notify her father, my ex-husband. The legal joint custody agreement required it, though she’d chosen no-contact with him for over a year by that time. His response was to blame me. I was a terrible mother and had kept her from him. His parenting, would have kept her healthy and stable. The reality is his treatment of her is at the root of her anxiety and depression and the attempt she made on her own life.
I share the above, to describe the genesis of the list that follows. During and after the phone call with my ex, I fell back for a time, into the emotional abyss I have for the most part, escaped. Over the last six years I have learned techniques to reduce the length of time his words could destabilize me. To process the phone call, I journaled capturing the things I’ve learned about leaving and divorcing a Narcissist. It’s a reminder of how I’ve grown and become stronger. I initially set out to write down 10 for each (deciding to leave and then leaving/divorcing; within two hours I had a list of 65. Below are just the first 10:
1. It was Time to Trust Myself
I am certainly not the first person to write about a Narcissistic partner or the first to be damaged by one. I didn’t even really know the term until weeks after I left my marriage. The most important thing that happened was, I began to trust myself. I am an intelligent, educated, capable person and yet when I walked into the house, those skills and qualities seemed to evaporate. But they didn’t disappear, I used them every day at work, in my life outside. Recognizing and valuing the same qualities inside the house as out of it, allowed me to put them to work in preserving my sanity and my life.
2. It’s Okay to Not Know
In the process of deciding whether to leave a marriage or relationship, regardless of who you’re with, can be an unsettling time. You feel unmoored. Have I done enough, made enough sacrifices, thoroughly examined my role in whatever is not working? I lived in an environment where I had to justify every word, gesture and action. It became habit. In fact, I am an expert in the caveat as a result… I preemptively undermine my own statements in…
